Losing My Mind

Over the last few months, one of my neurological symptoms has been degenerating noticeably quickly. It is noticeable - and most distressing - because it involves something that I rely on every day, and which has been my biggest asset throughout my life.

My brain.

So called "brain fog" is one of the most characteristic features of ME, and distinguishes it from the "chronic fatigue syndrome" that most people have heard about or think ME is. It is literally what it says on the tin: my brain feels foggy, sluggish, dusty, decaying.

At the start of 2013 I first noticed that I was finding it harder to concentrate for longer periods of time. Then, it became harder to multitask. Pre-diagnosis, I attributed these things to lots going on in my life. 

But this year, things are changing rather rapidly. Over the last few months, I've started having more worrying signs.

I appear unable to keep doing one task. I get sidetracked completely into doing something else, then yet again, and again, until I've started doing five things but completing none of them, and without realising what's happened. 

I'm starting to forget what I call "big" things. Where I parked the car yesterday. Leaving my bag on the train. Leaving my keys at home. Now, for some people, these are normal. I have NEVER, and I literally mean NEVER, EVER done these things in my life. Anyone who knows me will tell you that it is absolutely unlike me to forget things like this.

Now, add to this mixture: a loss of memory. I have been forgetting entire conversations. It is embarrassing to ask a friend about something, only for them to tell you that we had this conversation only recently. It's not just once. It's been too many to count on two hands. And it's now a regular feature. It's not because I wasn't paying attention.

Also in there is forgetting how to use grammar, how to spell, and punctuation. Trouble differentiating between numbers.

Finally, difficulty finding words when speaking, or recalling names. There are days when I cannot find the words I want to use. It is taking me up to a minute to recall the word I am looking for, or the name I am looking for (be it friend, colleague, well-known person), or the complete sentence that I need to express myself. It took me several attempts to start writing this blog because I couldn't find the words. Then I couldn't figure out which order to put them in so that it was grammatically correct and sensical. 

Out of all the symptoms that my ME features, this one is the scariest because it is affecting the one part of me that IS me. I've been an intellectual, brain-dependent, thinking person my entire life. I was always top of my class at school, I attended an Ivy League university, I've applied the strengths of my brain to create a strong and capable skill set, and I'm proud and humbled to be able to make a positive contribution to this world using the power of my mind. My thought and logic defines me, gives me great joy, helps me conquer my demons, sometimes is my demon, and gives me the capacity to make sense of myself, of the world, of life. 
Happier times, realising the power of my mind - June 2005 ©
Without my brain at full-strength, I don't feel like I am whole. It is an aspect of ME that I am really struggling to come to terms with, and to accept, because it feels like it's the part that I have least control over, and the degenerative force is at present absolutely invisible but very much there. There is no physical 'thing' that I can pinpoint to that is causing this to happen. It feels like slipping down a long, downward water slide, where nobody can hear you scream for help, and which keeps plunging down, down, down into the darkness.

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