Learning how to get back on your knees
Today has been a bad day. Another worst in a series of progressively bad days, weeks, months, years.
Today I went for a 30 minute walk with a friend, which was a big achievement as it's the first I've been able to get out for a walk in a couple of weeks, and it involved some stairs, which I mastered. We watched a kestrel hovering just above us, mastering the gusts of wind. The air was crisp and fresh, the burn was bubbling and alive, the birdsong elevated in the cool temperatures.
When we returned to the car I saw that the back passenger window had been smashed in and my laptop and external harddrive taken from the inside of the car.
Now, it's been a tough time recently. Let me just list some the things that have happened in the last 6 months:
I've only recently felt enough improvement to sense that I'm getting back on my knees (forget about getting to my feet, that is still a ways away), and achieving this has, in some ways, been due to being pragmatic, and learning and accepting some huge lessons in how to find peace by ACCEPTING what your life gives you. I could fight this illness, but it would then actually go on to literally kill me. It nearly did. So I must learn to live with it, accept it as part of who I am at the moment, and work with it, not against it. As a wise man once put it, do you really have a problem in this very second, this very moment of being alive and breathing? Not really.
So, being chronically ill like I am gives you lots of time and reason to think about the state of your life, what is 'actually' important, and forces you to go back to the very basics of human existence; why are we here? You have to completely erase who you are and redraw yourself with what good stuff you are inherently born with.
I have learned to accept most of what this illness has brought me, for most of the time. I am going with the current, instead of fighting it. I am breathing, meditating, and attempting to live in the moment of now. It has helped me to find calm amidst the turbulence, for some valuable moments at a time. But it keeps being challenged, particularly recently.
So my lesson at the moment is to accept, go with it, stay calm, breathe, be OK and happy in this moment. My challenge, should I choose to accept it, is to accept it.
Most importantly, however, I suppose the other thing today is to really drive home to me and others is that actions really do have an effect. Somewhat of an ironic thought for me, who is all about systems theory and how things are linked and affect each other, someone who always seeks to ensure the happiness of others.
For me, having been essentially bed- and house-bound for the majority of the past six months, my laptop (whilst admittedly just a material "thing") has been my window to the world, my portal to research my condition, to manage my dwindling finances, connect with supportive family and friends, watch films, write my blog, look at my photos of my favourite places and happy moments, find guided meditation, learn more about Buddhist philosophies, and listen to my favourite music.
The people who stole from me today have stolen all of that above, from a person who has been consistently swept off her feet for the last wee while, and provided the additional challenges of dealing with insurance claims and more. They will never know the true impacts of their actions on someone who already has an 'invisible illness'. How many times do we underestimate the true impacts of our actions when thinking just about ourselves and our short-term gain? How often might we not know about the lives of others, and how impacts may be magnified for them? Let us treat each other with love, kindness and respect. We are all connected to each other, and our actions, thoughts, and states of mind will always have an impact somewhere.
Today is the first day where I feel ready to tell more people about my illness. To date only my closest family and friends know. I have kept this from so many people. But today is enough silence, and I feel compelled to stand up for myself and others who live with chronic debilitating illness, not necessarily only those with ME, and try to shed some light on how much we are all connected.
Today I went for a 30 minute walk with a friend, which was a big achievement as it's the first I've been able to get out for a walk in a couple of weeks, and it involved some stairs, which I mastered. We watched a kestrel hovering just above us, mastering the gusts of wind. The air was crisp and fresh, the burn was bubbling and alive, the birdsong elevated in the cool temperatures.
When we returned to the car I saw that the back passenger window had been smashed in and my laptop and external harddrive taken from the inside of the car.
Now, it's been a tough time recently. Let me just list some the things that have happened in the last 6 months:
- I've been off sick from work for six months now, unable to work or live and enjoy my life as I would like to.
- My sick pay is about to end, so I won't have an income from next week.
- Treatment for ME through the NHS is non-existent, so any kind of relief is through private treatment, eg physiotherapy, which I have to pay for myself.
- I've just had to spend a month's worth of wages on fixing my car (first for a major service, new timing belt, and other minor repairs, and now for a new clutch kit and some minor repairs) - and all after several trips to the garage and getting it towed twice since after Christmas. My car is an enabling tool in my life with this illness.
- My boyfriend and I separated - he's the only one who has seen and understood this illness in my life since it started.
- I've had treatment for skin cancer on my face and as of this week have a new set of stitches where it's been biopsied (again) to see if the treatment has worked.
- My luggage was smashed when I flew home from Christmas, so I've had to deal with insurance claims for that.
- The car that was broken into today was the garage loan car, whilst my own is being serviced.
- My laptop AND the harddrive that backed it up were stolen today (I know, I know...).
- I was in the middle of updating my CV and applying for my boss' job today (despite not having a chance of being able to actually do the job if it came to that due to my illness), which is the single biggest cognitive challenge I've given myself in months (the only other having been my application for benefits). The duedate is Monday (it's now Saturday night) so there is no chance of me being able to start from scratch and be cognitively ABLE to write it all by then, as I've already pushed myself with what I've written so far...and of course now the stress of events today.
- I have my benefits assessment on Monday morning.
- I'll need to bring the loan car back to the garage tomorrow, meaning I will have to find a way to the Monday meeting by bus instead (as there are no other loan cars available), which is effort I have learned to avoid to ensure my symptoms don't worsen.
I've only recently felt enough improvement to sense that I'm getting back on my knees (forget about getting to my feet, that is still a ways away), and achieving this has, in some ways, been due to being pragmatic, and learning and accepting some huge lessons in how to find peace by ACCEPTING what your life gives you. I could fight this illness, but it would then actually go on to literally kill me. It nearly did. So I must learn to live with it, accept it as part of who I am at the moment, and work with it, not against it. As a wise man once put it, do you really have a problem in this very second, this very moment of being alive and breathing? Not really.
So, being chronically ill like I am gives you lots of time and reason to think about the state of your life, what is 'actually' important, and forces you to go back to the very basics of human existence; why are we here? You have to completely erase who you are and redraw yourself with what good stuff you are inherently born with.
I have learned to accept most of what this illness has brought me, for most of the time. I am going with the current, instead of fighting it. I am breathing, meditating, and attempting to live in the moment of now. It has helped me to find calm amidst the turbulence, for some valuable moments at a time. But it keeps being challenged, particularly recently.
So my lesson at the moment is to accept, go with it, stay calm, breathe, be OK and happy in this moment. My challenge, should I choose to accept it, is to accept it.
Most importantly, however, I suppose the other thing today is to really drive home to me and others is that actions really do have an effect. Somewhat of an ironic thought for me, who is all about systems theory and how things are linked and affect each other, someone who always seeks to ensure the happiness of others.
For me, having been essentially bed- and house-bound for the majority of the past six months, my laptop (whilst admittedly just a material "thing") has been my window to the world, my portal to research my condition, to manage my dwindling finances, connect with supportive family and friends, watch films, write my blog, look at my photos of my favourite places and happy moments, find guided meditation, learn more about Buddhist philosophies, and listen to my favourite music.
The people who stole from me today have stolen all of that above, from a person who has been consistently swept off her feet for the last wee while, and provided the additional challenges of dealing with insurance claims and more. They will never know the true impacts of their actions on someone who already has an 'invisible illness'. How many times do we underestimate the true impacts of our actions when thinking just about ourselves and our short-term gain? How often might we not know about the lives of others, and how impacts may be magnified for them? Let us treat each other with love, kindness and respect. We are all connected to each other, and our actions, thoughts, and states of mind will always have an impact somewhere.
Today is the first day where I feel ready to tell more people about my illness. To date only my closest family and friends know. I have kept this from so many people. But today is enough silence, and I feel compelled to stand up for myself and others who live with chronic debilitating illness, not necessarily only those with ME, and try to shed some light on how much we are all connected.
Comments
Post a Comment