scotiadair

It's been over four months since my last post. When I wrote my last entry, Losing My Mind , I was still working full-time, trying to make things work and get through my days. I had tried to keep some relationship with my bike - and therefore some sense of freedom - but through the harsh realities of this illness I was shown in no uncertain way that I couldn't do it. My life was whittled down to simply trying to get to work and make it through the day. I came home and went straight to bed. There were no reserves left to make dinner, or spend time with friends, or go for a walk. My tank was empty. Whilst I was starting to accept some of the illness, particularly the very many symptoms, I was still struggling to accept that drastic changes were needed. I was still powering through. I spent a few weeks trying to work from home for three days a week, to alleviate the pressure to perform in the office, and to allow myself invaluable extra time in bed in the morning and space to...

Over the last few months, one of my neurological symptoms has been degenerating noticeably quickly. It is noticeable - and most distressing - because it involves something that I rely on every day, and which has been my biggest asset throughout my life. My brain. So called "brain fog" is one of the most characteristic features of ME, and distinguishes it from the "chronic fatigue syndrome" that most people have heard about or think ME is. It is literally what it says on the tin: my brain feels foggy, sluggish, dusty, decaying. At the start of 2013 I first noticed that I was finding it harder to concentrate for longer periods of time. Then, it became harder to multitask. Pre-diagnosis, I attributed these things to lots going on in my life.  But this year, things are changing rather rapidly. Over the last few months, I've started having more worrying signs. I appear unable to keep doing one task. I get sidetracked completely into doing somethi...

For the past 24 hours I've been locked in a bit of a battle with myself. A few of the girls at work - myself included thus far - are heading out to the local hills after work today, for an easy ride around the reservoirs. It is mostly flat firetrack, with two "short" climbs. The idea is that it will be a leisurely mountainbike to balance out the normal downhilling and long hours out that we normally do when the boys are in the group. I've been out on my bike three times since November last year, all of which proved to be a bit too much in one go. When I say too much, they have all been between 10-20km - which for the old me is a warmup, nothing more. My brain says this is nothing, but my body has been telling me otherwise.  So right now, I'm locked in a battle of my mind and body. My mind is fighting to go out, for two reasons.  Firstly, I've really not spent any time on my bike since before winter, the weather is now perfect, and I'm absolutely itch...

Despite having (unknowingly) lived with many of the symptoms of ME for the last 12 years, the drastic downward trend in my wellbeing and increasing symptom severity over the last year that led to my diagnosis in January didn't really rock my boat all that much. I had just pushed through it all, stubbornly kept going. It wasn't until my first appointment at the ME-CFS Service at the hospital that things really began to sink in. In what has been my longest NHS appointment ever, I spoke for over two hours with my appointed specialist physiotherapist about my clinical history, symptoms old and new, and other related info. To date, my symptoms, whilst many, had all felt individual, and not part of one big "thing". Finding them linked to the same origin - my ME - was overwhelming. I felt like I had just been handed a death sentence. It was so apparent that there were many things - like my sports - that I simply could not do without making myself feel worse. In the coupl...

I first heard about the Scotland Coast to Coast race in late 2012, around the same time that I ended a very difficult three year relationship. It was a time where I really needed a purpose, a mission, something to give me back the confidence that had gone missing over the last few years. The race, scheduled for September 2013, involves 105 miles of cycling, running and kayaking stages across Scotland's beautiful Highlands. Given the intensity of the race, this was originally suggested as a group race. Due to calendar conflicts, I ended up being the only one who could do it, and who had been eager enough to actually sign up. Fine by me. It meant I had something really meaty to focus on and it was the opportunity to become an athlete again - I had competed in various sports in school, and missed it. My family were very supportive, and for Christmas 2012 my mum gave me a Garmin Forerunner 910XT , one of the most advanced and technical training watches available. This meant I coul...